hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
