She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
