someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
