He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
