You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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