At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
