I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
