i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
