Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
