I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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