i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
