Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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