but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wear drunk well.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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