everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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