Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
