Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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