worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
