Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
