When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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