i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When are your genitals available?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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