those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
