Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
