Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
