I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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