Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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