i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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