When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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