Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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