That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize