Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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