she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
