Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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