I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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