I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
