the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
