i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
not ubering you a puppy
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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