I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
