: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize