i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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