I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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