My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
