you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
