Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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