Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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