I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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