my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I touched a dick in church today
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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