i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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