I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize