I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
