you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
