Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize