Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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