I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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