sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
