Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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