when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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