Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
