remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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