Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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